Grief, Rage & Reclaiming Suppressed Emotion

i woke up remembering how angry i was that one basketball game in 5th grade when i got pulled off the court after aggressively & repeatedly fouling the girls on the other team.
i couldn’t wrestle them to the ground & rip the ball from their hands?
but i had so much repressed rage that needed an outlet!
so i crumbled into tantrum tears pretending to be hurt

the restraining code of conduct stripped my inner child of her vivacity, imagination & expressiveness
feelings of insecurity, being invisible & misunderstood
teased & silenced
bossed & possessed
enslaved as the virgin trophy

as i close my childhood bedroom door silently, as not to be noticed by the constant monitor, i glide my fingers over the patched holes that were dug by a knife in my hand and rebellion reverberating from my aching throat
a manic fight for my fragmented spirit who knew there was more to life than this inversion void where innocence was soiled & colour washed out by generationally perpetuated silencing

this is why i set the altar
not to dress in white & pray for healing
but to scream until my voice falls out of my vocal cords
to slam my fists into the pillows until the stuffing becomes dust that i can sweep up & offer as compost back to the heart of the earth

don’t tell me you have nothing to grieve
you’ve just expertly stuffed it down out of your own reach
let the loudly beating drum guide you home
to mourn the fragmentation of this density
to hear the cries of your ancestors in your own voice

we grieve together in devotion to transmutation
an unspeakably pertinent job in this density

earth needs us to do our work
together. now.
through proper grieving comes the severance of the cycles we came here to end
will you carry forth your mission?