Ex Vegan... part 1
i was so disturbed by those angry vegans.
everyone was “going vegan” except for me.
“our ancestors were hunters & gatherers” I said when assumed that because I taught/practiced yoga, that I was also plant based.
it just didn’t tickle my fancy how sensitive everyone was becoming towards the ancient way of life, as if the plants aren’t sentient beings also? the bugs? the rodents? maybe they hadn’t had as many tabs of acid as I had, to know that everything is quite alive, and certainly, the plant kingdom.
“promoting with such anger and force isn’t gonna get anyone recruited”
I was so turned off by these people who clearly hadn’t been educated in conscious / healthy communication methods while learning about why veganism would save the world and anyone not catching on is selfish, ignorant and a murderer (although almost nobody who eats meat kills the animal themselves, which I believe will naturally soon change & also must).
the gusto was admirable but far too extreme to slightly tempt me.
a few years later, summer of 2018, I was ready to heal my lifelong digestive troubles when I met an Israeli guy who I fell in love with, while going through a 5 year uncoupling. he was the most vegan of them all, and learning the intimacies of his feelings & perspectives inspired me beyond any of the violent communication methods of the past (slaughterhouse videos played on laptops on Venice Beach while the people wearing them were wearing scary masks…???)
I cut everything not vegan out, cold turkey. and it felt so good. it was easy. I was ready because something clicked and my body needed to cleanse the “density” aka digestive issues. I had already been “lactose intolerant” for most of my life so only ever ate goat / sheep cheeses now and then.
I was fine with rice drenched in warm olive oil with salt and lemon when our community pantry was running low, and didn’t get much into the vegan “substitute” stuff till later. I was satisfied by fresh greens, veggies, fruits, salads and found it a really smooth transition. anyways, the substitutes found their way into my life: vegan cheeses, nut butters/mylks, fake meats, you name it. this was fun, but whatever. I wasn’t craving animal meat because of that relationship with the beautiful Israeli guy, i learned to turn my nose at the thought of consuming anything that ever had anything to do with an animal. I cooked on different skillets, couldn’t stand the smell of if, didn’t allow it cooked in my home, couldn’t eat anything that touched an animal product… it was serious devotion. which I learned because I love(d) him and through that love, opened my heart to such compassion for the animals and his unique mission with veganism. for reference, he was an avid advocate and had been attending rallies, protests etc for years and would challenge people at the dinner table about why their meal wasn’t vegan.
fast forward 3.5 years. I had bubbling over frustration, starvation, exposed nerves on my front teeth, a receding gum line (diagnosed by a dentist) thinning teeth, a quickly ageing face, exhaustion, and a somewhat never ending list of intolerances to this “lifestyle”.
I never cared for or felt nourished by the nut milks, but what to do? I started to question from how far those nuts were being shipped around the planet, for me to make a cashew pizza sauce with, oh and packaged in plastic. this went for all of it- all the nuts, seeds, alternatives. it was all coming from a store that had it delivered from a boat that got it from who knows where on which continent, harvested by what abused/underpaid/poor indigenous children/women and processed in what type of facility? I started asking questions as my intuition was revealing “set up, another agenda”.
before we go there, I must say, my personal reasons for going vegan were to heal my gut and because I didn’t want to inherit animal karma, cause suffering, support factory farming, “lower my vibration” and really, I had to try because everyone else was doing it and it carries a powerful intention that I did feel alignment with. who doesn’t wanna make a little lifestyle change to save the planet?
well, I started to realise that it’s not saving the planet, and it doesn’t make our hands free of blood, or the consumption list actually sustainable, unless everything is sourced locally. because purchasing “substitutes” intercontinentally from countries whose ecosystems and animals are being eradicated due to over harvesting because that’s the only thing they can participate in world trade to support their economy with, is the opposite of sustainable or ethical. as if animals don’t get slaughtered as byproducts from the machinery used to mono crop the most high demand vegan “superfoods” or alternatives? as if children aren’t working in inhumane conditions to provide us with almond milk? it’s in a plastic lined container anyways! you know scientists have started to find MICROPLASTICS in human BLOOD???
sure, don’t buy things from stores and just shop without plastics at local farmer’s markets. well, you’re quickly becoming malnourished without the nuts, seeds, vitamins and supplements you need to overcompensate for what you’re not finding in local fruits/veggies. don’t even get me started on raw veganism rooted in frozen plastic bags of IMPORTED fruit for the daily smoothie bowls!!! or just generally imported ingredients (consider all the diesel, emissions, energy, resources to get multiple boats, planes, shipping trucks across oceans and continents to get your “superfood” or your special cleanse recipe ingredient from that currently famous intuitive nutritionist.
as my life shifted in a multitude of ways, spirit was beckoning me quite literally back home to my ancestry. with that, came the awakening of my inner wisdom that said “i’m fucking hungry and my teeth are rotting.” I was suppressing my shame for over a year, about the cravings for red meat that I was having. imagine that our bodies are so inherently intelligent, that a persistent craving could indicate a health issue- something the body needs to properly function, that its calling out for! I ignored this out of shame! fear! embarrassment! how could I ever imagine some cute animal being killed for me?
meanwhile, in this geographical relocation, i’m spending daily time with my grandmother who raised and slaughtered chickens and rabbits. I remember a highly impactful childhood memory. I used to take the cutest bunny from the farm every summer, name it, bring it to the house and keep it as a pet for the duration of our family visits in Greece. one morning my grandmother called me to the kitchen to be traumatized by a bucket of skinned rabbits sitting on the counter- face in tact with the same eyes that once had so much life and cuteness. she told me to toughen up and tried tricking me into eating rabbit a number of times, even teasing me after a bowl of dinner once- saying that it was actually rabbit meat.
from her lens of life, farming wasn’t a modern movement that she jumped on the bandwagon of because everyone influential was doing so. my partner Zin asked her recently who taught her to farm and she said “that was how we lived, there was no other option.. it wasn’t for fun, it was the way of life in the village- you just grew up working the land when you’re young”
this savage woman who cuts her fingernails with industrial scissors has come to know death. with that experience is also her close knowingness of life. and she knows that it’s a cycle. she knows that people who don’t know how to grow food, live without power and work with animals, don’t have a chance at survival in this current world. she reminds me often. she’s simultaneously rough and gentle- slaughtering animals and planting fragrant flowers. hand feeding the rabbits fresh cut greens she planted from seed, and also stripping their skin off their bodies. because i’ve heard that cuteness is not a measure of consciousness. the meat is stored in the freezer and cooked very deliberately throughout the year. when the body’s craving for that specific animal’s medicine arises.
anyways it’s fascinating how desensitized we are to blood, violence, physical abuse, murder etc through the holographic and strategically placed programming of the film industry and mass media. but to heavily programmed vegans, the thought of animal blood on their hands is unfathomable. how is society simultaneously becoming hypersensitive and desensitized? it’s almost as though the vegan industry is purposely pumping an extremely concerning concentration of estrogen boosting ingredients (hormone benders) into their substitutes that are softening men and driving women into imbalanced hormonal states. like i said, another agenda.
where there is a demand, there will become a supply. and business men will appear in disguise to take advantage of society’s disconnection from the earth while they’re fighting to maintain the title of the box they’ve put themselves in because they want to fight for something, belong, overcompensate for some way they didn’t feel their efforts or devotion was valued in the past. the unity intended to cultivate through peace love ahimsa has dug a deeper trench of the great divide. as planned. tell me you haven’t seen those violently passionate vegans that just wish they were heard as children, or want to stop animal consumption to undo their childhood traumas. this is all valid and i feel deep compassion. veganism is also a really fun way to hide eating disorders.
this is all a raw version of my process that’s been stripped down to utter humility as the judgment was also eating me alive. the judgment of the vegans all those years ago, to the meat eaters when I finally was vegan, and more recently to those disassociated from their unique needs and in an ignorant state of sheepness. in the humility of my healing, shedding and general life experience, i can say with all of my heart that no one is right or wrong. my deepest intention is for judgment to be fully absolved, as it hurts no one but our own kidneys and reality.
I hired a holistic coach a few months ago to help me remineralize my teeth and heal the excruciating pain of my expose gum nerves in my mouth that prevented me from smiling or even talking when outside where air had a chance at triggering such unimaginable pain. I’m feeling much better, in many ways. primal memories awakened. I’ll soon share what’s helped me, for those needing the same support.
more to come on this topic soon. thank you for always trusting your body and honoring your intuition.
-Paulina
